the perplexities of death and salvation
by jaime-lannisters
Summary: There are two types of nostalgia, remembering the past and imagining the future, and she feels like she's drowning in the impossibilities of both. -— lily&severus friendship, for quidditch league fanfiction competition.


**disclaimer**: jkr's world, not mine.

**written for**: quidditch league fanfiction competition – appleby arrows / chaser 3.

**prompts**: leaving, "we can't do that", john green quote.

**thanks**: bria (gote), zhie (nesshaw) and nic (symphonies of you) for emotional encouragement and general helpfulness.

**warnings**: linear, but in snapshots, not straight narrative. sirius and marlene (predominantly marlene) have filthy mouths on them.

* * *

Lily Evans and Severus Snape, friendship

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia."

-— John Green, _Looking for Alaska_

* * *

**i. **

Her name is Lily, and she is different.

**ii.**

He's nothing but a boy, a small boy alone in a world of the lost, the lonely, and liars that can twist your fears around their little fingers.

(so she decides to be his friend.)

**iii.**

He approaches her hesitantly the week after the "witch" incident.

"I... I didn't mean to offend you," he says to her, and he looks so contrite that she finds herself forgiving him without any thought. It's not like he has anyone else, and she did want to change that before that day she and Tuney talked to him - just because he upset Tuney doesn't mean he doesn't deserve a friend.

"It's okay, I s'pose," she responds. A smile starts to play at his lips and she's in awe at how much it transforms his face: gone is the sad, lonely boy in the oversized clothing and the unloved air, and in his place is a boy with dreams and a desire to be loved. It lasts only a second, but it stays in her mind forever.

"I wasn't lying, you know," he says suddenly. "You really are a witch, and I really am a wizard."

A thousand things that sound like Tuney's words in her mouth come to her head but what comes out wasn't expected at all: "How come I get to be like you and Tuney doesn't?"

There's shock on his face, like he doesn't expect her to believe him so easily, but why wouldn't she? There's no other explanation for the fact that she can change things with her feelings and mind and, more importantly, she's a little girl who can still believe in magic; what really worries her is the difference between her and her sister.

"She's not special enough," he says, and it's disparaging but it's uncertain enough that Lily forgives him for being mean about her sister, even if she doesn't approve.

"Don't be silly," she says with a reprimanding glare. "Everybody's special. That's why nobody's the same."

(she doesn't know it, but that innocent statement drives him to believe in himself for the rest of his life.)

**iv.**

"Can you believe those boys?" she demands, fuming as they leave the compartment. "I mean, _Snivellus_, I ask you! How immature can they get? Oh, I hope they're not in many of our classes - that'd be horrid, don't you think, Sev?"

She casts him a furtive glance, hoping that the boys didn't get to him too much. He's always had an intolerance for those he considers his inferiors, and a short temper in regards to them, and Lily has no doubt that those two idiots most certainly classify as inferiors to him.

"It'll be all right," he says when he notices her gaze. "We'll be in Slytherin and they can have fun in Gryffindor, being the imbeciles that a lack of brains and abundance of arrogance breeds," he sneers, and really, he's awfully good at that considering he's only just met the boys, but she doesn't think anything of it. She's too busy thinking about what's to come and what Tuney said at the station to notice.

**v.**

The hat calls "_GRYFFINDOR_" and she's excited, but she wants to cry a bit, too.

The thing is, she's never thought about Sev being wrong about this. People and muggle things are her forte, and Hogwarts was his, so she's always taken his word for granted; apparently the hat doesn't agree with this policy, because she's in Gryffindor now and he isn't.

Sure enough, he's sorted into Slytherin and she's all alone at this big table of people she doesn't know and doesn't think she likes, if they're anything like what Sev says Gryffindors are like. She hopes she's not like that, arrogant and reckless and only brave for attention and stupidity.

"Snivellus left you alone, did he?" jeers one of the boys from earlier, and she glares at him, blinking back tears.

Her distress must show on her face, because a thin brown-haired boy in slightly threadbare robes admonishes him. "Leave her alone," he says with a quiet strength. "We only just arrived, Sirius; she's allowed to be scared." He smiles kindly at her, and she finds herself giving him a small smile back.

That is her first lesson of magic, of Hogwarts, this one that Remus Lupin teaches her from the start: a Gryffindor is allowed to be scared.

**vi.**

They're in second year when she first realises that she's not friends with anyone else that's friends with Severus.

One day, she asks her friends why they aren't friends with him. She's not entirely sure how it happened, but her relationships are separated into these sections: friends, family, Severus.

Mary avoids her eyes and mumbles something about not really knowing him. Dorcas shrugs; she's the sort of disorganised chatterbox that Sev wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Alice tells her that she's a Prewett and isn't liked by Slytherins, and vice versa. Lily doesn't like it, but she knows it's true, so she accepts that.

It's Marlene, however, that tells it to her straight when Lily brings it up with her after everyone else has gone to bed.

"Well," she says with a sad sort of smile that seems out of place on her, "it's simple, Lils. We're not friends with him because he's genuinely not a nice person, and on top of that, he hates Gryffindors." Sensing Lily's desire to protest, she puts up a hand and continues. "No buts, Lils. You're the only Gryffindor he likes, and even then, he won't interact with you when his mates are there because that's not the kind of people they are."

"What do you mean?" Lily asks, because she doesn't really know Sev's friends. Marlene's right, whenever she sees him, it's him, and him alone.

"They're the other side of purebloods," the blonde informs her simply. "The traditionalists that believe they are superior because they are pure of blood. Like Sirius' family, and my mother's side." Marlene pauses, and looks at Mary's slumbering form. "Mary probably gets it the worst, really," she says softly. "You're both muggleborns, but he likes you. She... She's Gryffindor and a muggleborn. Mudblood, he calls it. I mean, he's not as bad as his friends," she says, seeing Lily's stricken face, "but for Godric's sake, Lil, he's friends with vile people like Mulciber and Avery. We're not friends with him because he hates who we are."

**vii.**

Still, he's her best friend, and she can't give up on him, especially when she knows that he's not like the rest of them, deep down.

"Sev, do you like being a Slytherin?" she asks him one day.

He looks surprised at the question. "Yes," he says, confused. "It's where I belong." His eyes say _where you belong, too,_ but she doesn't want to even approach that so she hums noncommittally and looks down at her Charms paper, biting her lip.

She's loath to admit it to Sev, but she likes being a Gryffindor.

**viii.**

Remus is the one who comes across her, following her conversation with Severus about his friends and how Potter saved Sev's life.

"Hullo, Lily," he says mildly, watching her glare fiercely at the fire.

"Hi, Remus," she says with a sigh, looking up at him. "What, no band of merry men today?"

"Detention," he says by way of explanation.

"Even Peter?" she asks, brow furrowing in confusion.

He winces. "Hospital Wing. Long story," he adds, seeing her concern, "involving Slytherins. It's actually how James and Sirius got their detentions. Peter thought it would be a wonderful idea to test out his Stinging Hex on Mulciber, after what happened to Mary... It ended badly. I took Peter to the Hospital Wing while James and Sirius earned themselves detentions getting their vengeance."

She winces, and sighs frustratedly. "I hate what happened to Mary, because it's horrific and then Sev goes and says it was just a bit of fun, and... He's my best friend, Remus, but I can't approve of anything his friends are doing."

Remus looks sympathetic. "I won't pretend to like... _Severus_, nor will I claim to know him particularly well or approve of any matters he and his friends get involved in, but I can understand one thing about him: his love for his house. The reality is, your house is like your family, and you share core traits and beliefs with them to have been sorted into the same house. On some level, he's the same as Mulciber. But still, I see the way he looks at you, and you're still his best friend. I don't know if that helps you in the slightest, but..."

"It does, thank you, Remus," she says quietly.

She mightn't approve, but he's her best friend and she can't give up on him. She can't leave him without trying her hardest. She won't.

**ix.**

They're sitting on the swings near her house some point during the summer. His parents were fighting again, and when she went to his house to get him, his dad was shouting and his mum was in tears, but it's an idyllic day and they can almost pretend it wasn't like that.

"Do you remember when we used to come here and talk about Hogwarts?" she asks randomly.

He turns to her, jerked out of the silent idyll, and nods. A small smile creeps onto his face as he says, "I remember."

"Do you miss that?" she blurts out. "Did you even _like_ that?" she presses, not even caring how demanding she must seem.

He turns away from her, and looks straight ahead, rocking back and forth slowly on the swing, despite his dislike of swings in general. "Lily," comes his quiet voice, "those were the best times of my life."

**x. **

And all she can think is _HE CALLED ME MUDBLOOD HE CALLED ME MUDBLOOD HE CALLED ME MUDBLOOD_ and _MARLENE WAS RIGHT MARLENE WAS RIGHT MARLENE WAS RIGHT_ and she wants to cry but instead she stays strong and determined and righteous, because she's Lily Evans, and she is Gryffindor, and this is what it means to be her.

**xi.**

"He's a twat, Lily," Sirius says flatly following the incident. "So's James, and so am I, but nonetheless he's a colossal fucking twat and you're better off without him."

Lily's not sure how it ended up like this, her with tears running down her face, with Sirius Black, as her mournful (ex-)best friend dejectedly leaves his station outside her common room, but that's how it is and she can't change any of it, but oh, how she wishes she could turn back the clock and save Severus from becoming this and how she wishes that she could believe in an imagined future where he wasn't like this anymore. There are two types of nostalgia, remembering the past and imagining the future, and she feels like she's drowning in the impossibilities of both.

"I know, Sirius. I know." And she does know he's right, but that doesn't make it any easier.

So Sirius stays with her for the night and they talk about things like Slytherins and stars and purebloods and Remus' chocolate addiction and his family and hers until dawn shows up, followed by Marlene, and her tears are all cried out.

**xii.**

She doesn't forgive him that year. She doesn't ever really forgive him for everything. She can forgive what he says to her, his jealousy over James and his desire to prove himself, but she can't forgive what he does to her friends, not what he plans to do with You-Know-Who.

One day, in Seventh Year, when she's laughing in the grounds with James and their friends at the ridiculous antics of Sirius and Marlene — "we can't do that!" "and why not, Black?" "because jumping off the Owlery will probably result in fucking dying!" — she sees him skulking past into the castle. No pain flits into her mind, no fresh anger or distress. Just a melancholy sadness at the memory of how they used to be and who they used to be, and a sense of approaching finality that they would never truly come back from this.

**xiii.**

She writes him an invitation to her wedding, and then watches it burn.

Flames lick parchment with much the same fervour as Death Eaters must possess to obtain the Dark Mark, she finds.

**xiv.**

Three months after her wedding, she is picking up things from her family home to move into the house James found them in Godric's Hollow when she finds the box.

There is a box, from when she was little, tucked beneath her bed with special things in it. It houses many old things, but none quite so surprising as the very first wizarding photo she ever had, of her and Severus by the lake. She holds it in her hand, and tears begin to fall.

**xv.**

Marlene is dead and Lily wants to scream and cry and break things and hunt down every single Death Eater and destroy them in that moment, and that's nothing compared to Sirius.

She remembers last week, when she'd been sitting right in this very room with Marlene and the Marauders, talking about nothing. Alice had been with Frank, Mary was working and Dorcas was dead, alongside Benjy and Fabian and Gideon and a lot more names that shouldn't be etched on headstones.

"You're a twat, Black. Give me back my fucking bag," Marlene had said, and Lily had covered Harry's ears while James admonished their friend.

"Mars, I have an infant right there," he had protested, to which she had flipped him off.

"Ooh, Marly, cute handkerchief," Sirius had said, earning an exasperated look from both Remus and Peter, who had been telling him for years to not go through a girl's handbag, especially not one belonging to someone as volatile and terrifying as Marlene McKinnon.

"I will cut off your hair and feed it to a cat," she'd threatened. Sirius' expression had been priceless, Lily remembers.

"Fucking lunatic," he'd muttered, shooting her a cheeky grin as he handed her back her handbag.

James had snorted. "Nobody would guess you two had been together for the past five years," he'd remarked, quite aptly in Lily's opinion.

Sirius had started looking a bit uncomfortable and Marlene'd flipped James off again as she went through her bag to determine what Sirius had done to it. She'd whipped out a little velvet box. "What the fuck is this?" she'd demanded, before opening it.

Sirius had cleared his throat, and as she opened the box, started talking. "So, McKinnon. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you - I mean, you're absolutely mental, but the thing is, I don't think I'd have you any other way. I get all desperate when you seem in danger, y'see, like in seventh year when you thought jumping off the fucking Owlery with a second-rate broom was a good idea, or more recently when that bastard tried to Avada you and I near mutilated him, and I just don't think I want to be in a world that doesn't have you in it. And I guess, you know, that you'd look stunning in white. So... How about it?" Sirius had gotten more nervous the more he spoke and Marlene was quivering with _some_ sort of emotion and it was the most beautiful thing Lily had seen since the moment her child was born. It wasn't romantic and it wasn't perfect but it was for them and Marlene's eyes had filled with tears and she'd nodded and ran at him and kissed him and they'd all been so happy.

One week ago, in the exact same place they are now, hearing that she is dead.

Sirius is catatonic in the corner and James looks broken and Remus and Peter are out telling Mary and Alice and whoever is still left, and all Lily can do is think about Marlene, everything about Marlene and how she was so alive and how she was so right all the way back in second year, and faces flash through her head, faces of people they've lost and faces of the Death Eaters, her old schoolmates, Sev's friends. Most of all, though, Sev's face and Marlene's face flash through her head, a stream broken only by the desolation in her heart and the sound of the sobs cracking from Sirius' chest.

It is this more than anything that Marlene McKinnon, the most alive of them all, teaches her; this is the hardest lesson of magic, of life, of love: you can't save everyone. You can try, but you'll fail anyway.

**xvi.**

She dies a few months later.

She doesn't know it, but Severus clutches her body in his hands as he weeps for her, for all they were and all they could have been.

She doesn't know it, because she is dead, a body with no Lily, like the ashes of the burnt wedding invitation: death is final. There is no meaning left in the ashes, only what ifs and memories.

**xvii.**

Seventeen years later, he dies, too. He thinks about seeing her again, that little girl with the red hair that chose to be his friend, the teenage girl who he once so badly hurt, the beautiful woman he failed to save.

(He thinks about the little girl most of all, though, and how she saved a little boy from himself, once upon a time. He went off the rails for a bit, but he'd like to think she's proud of him now. He'd like to think she'd call him her friend.)

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**a/n 1.** please review, i'd love to know what you thought of it, and please no favourites without reviewing.


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